At the last moment
a guardian angel
pulling me back from the brink
lifting me up by the scruff
shaking loose the glamours
and entrusting to me
this cursed gift:
Who am I?
The Question echoes in the dark
Who am I?
Who am I?
Who am I?
The query became a mantra
that would
step by laborious step
lead me out of the darkness
of my infernal ignorance
But my karmas
had carved such deep furrows
in the firmament of my soul
erecting colossal barriers
steep and forbidding
to where I felt dwarfed
into helplessness
so it seemed my efforts
to climb out of the karmic maze
might take all of an age
And time is a luxury
but rarely an ally
of the imprisoned
With no other redeeming path available
I began clawing my way
inch by inch
toward the light
in arduous efforts
made all the more difficult
by jealous souls
who grabbed at my legs from below
confounding my efforts to make progress
Trying to overcome
seemingly insurmountable obstacles
it can break a man
in more ways than one
My heart has been broken many times
broken and battered and scarred
by trust betrayed
by unfulfilled longings
profoundly aggrieved by losses almost
almost
almost too great to bear
and pierced by a knife
wielded in anger and fear
by a former friend
a menace
derailed from any awareness
of who he is
leaving me to expel my life's blood
from out of my mouth and chest
A fearsome violence on display
in the cosmic balancing act
a karma swinging back around
like a bird with a sad song
flying home to roost
with a dreadful message:
the experiencing of such a terrible thing
as I once inflicted on another man
Truly,
in this one lifetime
I have killed and been killed
I have died and been resurrected
That I may offer this testimony
and attest that karma does not bend
to misbegotten notions
around vendettas and just desserts
rather that karma is of a higher power
not subject to personal judgement
inevitable and inexorable
that may bring a reckoning
that may bring an awakening
to freshen possibilities
to reveal opportunities
for discovering self-truth
for opening the heart
to forgiveness
to self-forgiveness
expanding space for empathy
deepening capacity for humility
and strengthening the will
to get back up and carry on
No joke,
I have journeyed through Hell …
but fellow travelers have appeared
along the way
and offered friendship
I was not without help after all;
just when hope seemed most absent
generous souls lent me a hand up
gently easing me of my burdens
nourishing me with their kindnesses
and understanding
and encouragement
Whisperings of the ancestors
even the insane ones
offered vague
and sometimes misleading
guidance and inspiration
spurring me on
as I reached up
to grasp the higher truths
and enlarge my understanding
Struggle and fight
study and learning
wisdom dawning
in flickers and flares
more than the eye can see
While the Question
continued to reverberate
down through the years
Who am I?
Who am I?
Disobedient Child
Runaway
Homeless Boy
Wayward Son
Lost Brother
Flower Child
Draft Dodger
Pot Smoker
Sinner
Killer
Absent Father
Condemned Prisoner
Terms and labels
describing behaviors and conditions
not a person
many frequently used to malign
belittle
dismiss
and therefore
can in no way meet the qualifications
for being the Who in this enquiry
Who am I?
Student
Seeker
Mystic
Survivor
Warrior
Life Hacker
Cosmic Explorer
Getting warmer
but such pursuits
if successful
are at best of an ephemeral nature
transient
and so will not serve
to identify that which must be
at the core
ineradicable
Who am I?
Artist
Ah, now this one rings a bell!
Dedicating my focus
my thoughts
my energies
to expressing in the creative arts;
it was clearly my calling
opening a way forward
a path of escape
out of the quagmire
of destructive
and self-destructive
associations
who had infected my life
and the bad decisions
that had imprisoned me;
a calling to transform
negative energies
into a positive force
that might contribute
beneficial meaning
and beauty
to a suffering world
The role of artist
as my path
became multifaceted
encompassing many disciplines
Musician
Composer
Soundscape Designer
Lyricist
Painter
Illustrator
Image Designer
Electronics Wizard
Inventor
Writer
Filmmaker
Warmer still
but still leaves unanswered
the Question
of Who all this is actually for
Who am I?
Family Man
Blessings beyond reckoning
the bonds and ties remain intact
in spite of draconian restrictions
my kindred near and distant
all my relations
an extended family
and my place in it
connecting to one another
in Spirit and aspiration
nourishing my soul
with love and support
inspiring and informing
all of my efforts
as …
Grateful Son
Brother
Husband
Lover
Father
Widower
Friend
Grandpoppi
Wise Man
Teacher
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